I finally realized something this weekend that had been bothering me for a while. As per usual, the moment of clairvoyance was over beers and some potato-with-cheese concoction, but whatever gets you to the point of understanding, right?
I’ve mentioned before that people at my office smile a lot. A lot of people, a lot of smiling. Unnerving already, but especially bad coming from the higher-ups. My heart stops every time someone in management smiles and greets me. Or asks me how my weekend went, or how I’m enjoying the work. And I just figured out why.
It’s ’cause I’m waiting for the bad news.
Am I so bitter and jaded, has my life been so bad that I assume all smiles are fake and a pretense for saying something that I’m not going to like? It seems I’m expecting these people to then tell me that my puppy drowned or my house burned down. Not that I have either, but I’d still be upset due to the confusion. I’m not kidding, my reaction is that weird.
I seriously need to chill. I’ve been in Kelowna over a month, and I’m still having trouble with the whole nice thing. People just chat with you randomly. The guy standing behind me at Tim Horton’s today told me my shirt tag was stuck out of my collar. Of course I’ve already documented that people here will inform you of wardrobe malfunctions, but it’s not just that. They just chat with you. They don’t want anything from you (except maybe small talk). I just don’t get it.
My manager said he spent two years in Vancouver to go to BCIT but that it was bad because nobody talks to you on the street. That’s exactly what he said. I suppressed my initial response to that, which was, “And that’s a problem how?”. There’s a certain comfort in ignoring everyone, and in being ignored. And in not showing any real concern except to those you’re closest to. Some of you are probably shaking your heads right now, but that’s okay, we don’t all come from the same place. Obviously.
What I dislike the most out of all of this is that now that I’m here, it’s me with the problem. I’m the one who needs to untwist my knickers and relax and show enthusiasm and respond with sincerity to people (versus the usual sarcasm), and suppress the paranoia that nice means anything other than nice. In the meantime I’m having a nervous breakdown, because that’s a lot to ask. And all the while, if I succeed in assimilating with the natives, I am going to be so screwed whenever I move back to Vancouver.
Nobody’s been responding much to my blog entries lately, so I’m going to ask what you think of my reaction. Do you think I’m nuts? Wait, don’t answer that. Instead: have you had similar experiences moving to someplace new? I really don’t have any point of reference here, and feedback would be helpful. Thanks!
(with extra honesty)
I still live in Vancouver and I find it fairly easy to start a small talk when standing in line. I lived in Toronto and the main difference compared to Van is that people are more polite over there; they actually don’t rush into the subway the moment the doors open and they get off the bus through the rear door.
And speaking about reactions to your blog entries – maybe the problem is that sometimes, when people do respond, you ignore them, avoiding a dialog with your readers, so they just become passive ones.
vancouver is a hard place. i got jaded there. its still unnerving for me here, as i pull out of my driveway and have neighbors wave at you
Vancouver is a little strange that way. I expect it’ll take some time to adjust to a new city and a new lifestyle.
On the plus side it’s a change for the better!
it’s a small-town thing. when i lived in Parksville, the first couple of years i actually resented all that homey niceness and chatting with anyone anywhere at anytime. by the time i left, i couldn’t go to a single place (grocery store, bank, post office) without stopping to chat and catch up with at least one person.
what’s funny is that once i moved back to the city, *i* was the one who would start talking to people in grocery line-ups or mention that someone’s tag was sticking out.
i’m nostly over that now, but it was definitely a strange thing to realize.
er, mostly. *blush*
Yep, it’s definitely a small(er) town thing. Shortly after I moved to Vancouver, I had a supervisor comment on how friendly I was to complete strangers, like the default should be nasty or something – working in customer service, you wouldn’t think this characteristic was notable, but it was! I guess it comes from living somewhere that you’re more likely to run into the same person more than once every couple months.
In the last 10 years I’ve let the city take a little bit of the spontaneous conversation out of me and hidden behind my sunglasses and/or iPod more than I care to admit, but I’ll still chat randomly with people who look like they won’t ignore me, tell me off, or just brush me off as some kind of crazy person. It’s nice for the default to be friendly – enjoy it!
It is indeed a big city/small city thing. Once time goes long enough with people smiling and not telling you bad news, you’ll probably get used to it.
Don’t lose all your sarcasm, though — it’s what endears to you us.
Hey, It’s a good thing. You will gradually get into a grove where it will no longer bother you and might even rub off on you. There could be a lot worse things in the world, at least the people are happy!
Yeah, the folks in the interior can be overly friendly. I’m surprised that my Mom hasn’t baked you cookies and knitted you a sweater yet… (hehe don’t worry, she’s actually not in Kelowna but in Kamloops);-)
@luc I agree, people in Vancouver are rather rude on transit. Of course, we’re also essentially treated like cattle.
It never occurred to me that I should be responding to comments, though. Thanks for pointing it out.
Maybe one thing that surprises me about this is that I really don’t notice this in Kitimat, where my mom lives, which has a population of maybe 8,000. Though I honestly don’t spend a lot of time out in public while I’m there, and maybe that’s why.
I had a similar reaction of “omg nice people!” when I moved to Vancouver from Boston… Though people didn’t really talk to me on the street, just smile and nod as they passed. Maybe I make a freaky amount of eye contact or something. I found my Vancouver co-workers to be considerably more open and friendly than counterparts back East. I think the default indifference of people in Vancouver is just more polite than the default indifference of people in Boston. Kelowna niceness (which I only connected with its pronunciation after several weeks of watching the weather in the morning) would probably stun me into startled silence.
Of course, I’m in the Philadelphia area now and people talk even less. The most recent random conversation I had was at Dairy Queen. A recent pair of Boston transplants were commenting on the lack of picnic tables at ice cream stands down here.
If you really do think you are having a “nervous breakdown” then you need to talk to someone. Talk to your employer about Employee Assistance Program. You can just phrase it as “you are finding the move difficult.” There is nothing wrong with that. Be as honest as you can with yourself and others. Nobody expects you to become a Mouseketeer.
On the other hand, if you are using the term “nervous breakdown” to be dramatic, perhaps yo should re-think that choice of words. Perhaps you are over-tired and need to spend a day in bed watching Patrick Swayze movies and crying into a bag of microwave popcorn.
@Air Is “nervous breakdown” non-PC? My understanding was that it no longer meant anything to the health profession and was therefore fair game. Of course, I consider “retarded” to be usable for the same reason, but people will find issue with that too.
Under the circumstances I don’t think watching Patrick Swayze movies would make me any happier
And I will say I’m not being melodramatic in my choice of words, the move has been hard and emotionally straining and I’ve been helped greatly by a workmate who’s witnessed me crying into my beer (my preferred receptacle). However, there are a number of factors making things difficult (such as the shoulder injury), and understanding things like why I’m finding smiling people so difficult is helping me already.
Nervous breakdown! Nervous breakdown! Nervous breakdown! Say it as much as you want, and don’t feel you have to be overly “pc”, wtf, it’s your blog!
And while we’re at it – Merry Christmas! Oh, and yes – retarded!
There. I said it all. No pc here!
Seriously though, I know exactly what you mean about the friendliness being weird. I get that a bit with my new job too.
Come back, Gill, we like you more here than in Kelowna.
Dan Savage has taken to using the word “leotarded” instead of “retarded,” so maybe you could move on to, uh, “nervous shakedown”?
Here in North Van, people say hi. Late at night I’m guessing those same people are the ones kicking in car doors. I’M ON TO YOU!
Miss you
[...] I did complain a while back about my discomfort at all the niceness of the people here, it now just feels regular and I’m [...]