It has been suggested to me a few times in the last few days that I should give myself a break and cut myself some slack and other weird expressions that mean a similar thing. In any case I’m rather homesick and sad and lonely and for some reason had assumed I wouldn’t be, or that it wouldn’t hurt so much. I’m not really sure what I expected.
It occurred to me this past weekend that I’ve never really succeeded at moving away from Vancouver. In 1990 we moved up to Kitimat because my stepdad got recruited up there. I spent the next 8 months or so praying we’d move back to Vancouver, and the day Mom said we were moving back was my favourite day there.
In 1995 I moved to Victoria to go to UVic, where I lasted two years. I spent most of the second year taking the ferry back to Van every weekend or two, eventually deciding I might as well just move back and save myself the commute.
That’s it. There never seemed any reason to leave since, until recently when I got a glittery job offer for a company here in Kelowna and wanted the life change that a move would bring. Or I thought I did: turns out I really just want to be back in my crap apartment in Marpole and going for coffee with Chrissy and Stu. I miss the familiar.
Kelowna, as it is, is great and there’s really nothing to dislike about the city itself. I’m enjoying the weather more than I thought I would. My workmates are all happy nice people and have been quite welcoming despite the fact they did not receive any of the cookies I’d promised in the interview for two weeks. I think I won out over the other candidates only because of that promise.
It is hard, though. Even with my stuff unpacked this doesn’t feel like home. The streets are new and I don’t know anyone and I’m in a constant state of slight discomfort. Work is looking to be a big challenge, which was what I wanted, but right now it consists of me being confused most of the time. Nor am I used to working in an office after a year of contracting from home and never meeting my clients. All of this was exciting at first but now I’m exhausted.
For years certain people were telling me I should move away and start a new life outside Vancouver (don’t know why, but whatever) but these same people did their own moving with their spouses, so they had someone. I don’t have a someone, I have a somecat but it’s not the same thing. I mean, it’s better than nothing, I’ll take it; I am hopeful, but this is a difficult time.
I’m not meaning to whine here, I’m just putting it out there that this is what I’m dealing with. I guess I just hadn’t prepared myself for how this would feel, and ended up surprised that it’s made me sad. On the plus side I’m going to be in Vancouver for Labour Day long weekend, so if I can hold out until then I will get to rejuvenate myself in preparation for another month from home. Let’s see how long I can last this way.