August, 2007:

I took Donna‘s advice about going to Levi’s for jeans, and I ended up with a pair of Low Slouch Boot Cut. I still stand by my theory that the fashion industry is trying to make us feel fat, or maybe it’s more that they’re confusing us by complimenting us at the same time: by making jeans extra long while deflating sizes. Fashion is like that friend you had in high school, who was nice to you in person, but was saying bad things about you as soon as you left the room. I swear.

You see, according to Levi’s, I’m a size “1M”, which leads me to guess that all the skinny Asian girls in town aren’t wearing Levi’s. I’m not that thin, yo. But, okay, butter me up, say I’m a twig, make me happy. But then say that these jeans have a “relaxed fit” through the hips and thighs, yet they fit me like a glove. So, you’re saying my thighs are fat? Can you see how confused I am?

On the other hand, I really shouldn’t complain, since these seem to fit me better than any jeans have in years. Plus, this is the first time in a long time that Levi’s have fit me (and my supposed thunder-thighs). So I have hope for a new tomorrow where I have jeans that fit and that don’t have holes in the crotches.

I’ve written about this subject before, about my various issues with jeans. That they seem to be ripping at the crotch for me this year (three pairs now? Four?), and how the style seems to be so low-rider that one can’t bend over without exposing the plumber’s butt. Which, I don’t care how skinny and young you girlies are, I just don’t wanna see. Maybe men do, but I wouldn’t know. Do men want to see plumber’s butt on women? What’s the reasoning behind this?

I’m guessing, from what I’ve seen, that fashion is moving forward and that waistlines on jeans are moving away from the primary sex organs and back towards the waist, with the added benefit that they might actually stay on if you’re planning on walking around at all. Rock on. Reason prevails.

What I still don’t get, though, is why jeans in my “size” all have a 34-36″ inseam, meaning that when I take a pair off the rack and hold them up to myself, a good amount of pant leg drags along the ground, obscuring my feet and making me feel like a little girl trying on her mommy’s clothes. So I sigh, give up, and put the jeans away, because there’s no damn way I could wear them unrolled unless I was in platform shoes and on tiptoe.

Now, this is a relatively new thing. It started a few years ago, but it just seems to be getting worse now; rather than having regular-length jeans an inch or two longer than I need (as it was a few years ago), it’s now 4-6 inches too much. I don’t think I’m necessarily biased in my view of all of this: I’m the same height and size as I was in high school (although my boobs are bigger, hurrah), and I’m still a fan of the boot-cut.

My theories on why jeans have gotten so ridiculously long are:

1. It’s a conspiracy by the tailoring business to force all women into getting their clothes hemmed.
2. It’s a failed attempt by the platform shoe suppliers to get people to buy them.
3. The fashion and/or diet industry wants us to feel fat by making us think that someone of our width should be half a foot taller.
4. It’s considered trendy to have so much extra fabric at the bottom of your jeans that you trip over yourself. Klutz is the new grace.
5. A quantum singularity has caused everything in the universe, except for women’s jeans, to shrink.

I have to get new jeans sometime (since I had to throw away so many pairs earlier this year), but I’m not sure what to do anymore. It’s weird being of average female height (5′ 4.5″) and slightly below average weight (hurrah again) and having difficulty finding clothes that fit me. Shouldn’t I have the easiest time, out of everybody? Are we all screwed, no matter what?

Any advice, comments, or complaints would be greatly appreciated.